With my son graduating and all his friends we’ve known for so long doing the same, I’ve been hearing a lot from friends that “it goes so fast!”
And I’ve been pondering that phrase, “It goes so fast.” Because, honestly, I don’t feel that it has. And me, being me, I’ve been wondering if I am just cold-hearted and clueless or bad or….I always go for the negatives. But….there is this conviction at the bottom of my soul when I am alone with myself that I’m not any of those things.
It hasn’t gone fast. The years, that is. Raising children. My kids, going from in the womb to needing showers and having swearing contests with me and driving me home after I’ve had a margarita at dinner.
It’s gone just right. I know how we got here.
There are a few days, months, moments, of course, that are blank. But…I really don’t feel like “it” has gone fast at all. I don’t feel like I “blinked.” I feel like I’ve had many, many blinks, and….where they are now…it’s RIGHT. Like, this is of course where we are after 18 years. It makes SENSE. Just like me going from 2 to 6 to 12 to 18 to 25 to 35 to 49 makes SENSE. I’ve LIVED all those years.
My beautiful baby boy has grown into a beautiful man, and I can tell you exactly when and exactly how. I can trace every key moment –and many not-key moments–from the day he was born to the now. Same with my beautiful baby girl who is now a beautiful young woman.
And yes, I’m tired. A between the shoulder blades weariness that sort of settles into my bones when I stop moving for long enough. And I’ve totally lost a lot of my mind. But I don’t think I needed those pieces anyway. I’ve grown so many NEW pieces to my mind, I often don’t recognize bits of me, and I welcome that shiny newness of it all.
The weariness is not like that of those of people I’ve lost or that of my divorce or even the more recent weariness dealing with my girl’s chronic pain. It’s a weariness wrapped in quiet reflection, soft joys and wild chaos that remind me why I’m so tired.
It’s a weariness that, in the quiet moments, brings such elation to my heart and mind and soul that I cannot contain it and sometimes laugh out loud.
I DESERVE this weariness. I’ve LIVED.
We had our grimy, chubby hand holding time. We had our time playing Star Wars and Thomas the Train for long, LONG hours in an afternoon. We had our time, even, when my son spit fire at me for two years and said nothing more than “I’m fine. Leave me alone” if he said anything at all. I’m now in this time with my daughter that…isn’t great. She is spitting knives and bullets, not just the fire, and alternately crying tiny creaking sobs because just crying hard makes her hurt. I don’t like it. But I’m in it. And I’m not looking ahead, later tonight or tomorrow or ever. Because tonight might be it, for all of us.
You never know when the zombies might come. Or Trump, I guess, in today’s world. Same diff.
So, no, it hasn’t gone fast. It’s gone exactly right. And in the dark every night, on the brink of sleep, I whisper prayers that it will remain so.
SavageTimes 
This is great! ❤